You Can Pick Your Friends

But not your nose (unless you're X)

When we’re young, friendships form around proximity. Kids next door or in your class in elementary school. Maybe kids of your parents’ friends - those you see a lot. Or if you are in sports or any other extracurricular activities, friendships may begin based on a shared interest. Those get you closer to finding your people.

There is so much focus on romantic relationships from a young age that the value and effort required to nurture healthy friendships often fall short. It's unfortunate because your close girlfriends frequently offer more stability, consistency, and support over time.

It took me a while to discover the perfect balance in friendships. At times, my expectations were too high, as I expected friends to fulfill every role, treating those relationships with unrealistic demands. Recognizing this behavior pattern in my 20s, I sometimes did the opposite, letting friends only take and never give.

It is one of life’s dirty tricks that you can swing from expecting too much to not expecting enough. You are right at the wrong time and wrong at the right time.

The amount of drama I created in my mind was not productive, to say the least. The headspace it took to try to triangulate who was mad at whom and how could things be repaired. Such wasted time. Many tears were shed.

In my 30s, I learned to match the energy of each friend. I wasn’t going to throw the baby out with the bathwater and ignore the value that each friend brought. I changed my expectations and my energy. I identified what each person gave me: laughter, support, and enjoyment. I stopped giving too much and expecting too much. I just enjoyed.

My 40s were a blur as I was working full-time, raising my kids as a solo parent; and trying to keep my sanity. (Yes, I was an older mom.) During this time, I’m uncertain about whether I was a good friend. I tried to squeeze friendships in, but I’m not sure how successful I was.

As my parental load lightened even slightly, I’ve tried to refocus by supporting others and giving myself the joy of their companionship. I’m proud of the friend pockets I’ve kept and maintained. I have groups of women from high school & my 20s; two groups from different work situations, and then a few others I met along the way.

Making friends when you’re older has different challenges, but as we become more ourselves it is sometimes easier to find friends that share values. But it took and continues to take energy to make sure I provide support and friendship.

Now I know that when I released my unrealistic expectations, I freed up time and headspace to find my gal pals who provide laughter, deep thoughts, and many times good advice. What more could you ask for?